Sunday, January 3, 2010

Action News Brief

Channel 5 Action News with Phoebe Stardragon

In an undoubtedly devastating exchange of assaults this Saturday morning, twenty men-in-black have been found dead, strewn over the streets of Bunker Hill, Los Angeles, some of them stripped of most of their clothes, others in grotesque positions. Their destroyed bodies were greeted with shock by the early risers of Los Angeles. Among the dead were several prominent figures of the Los Angeles community

Noteable traces of gunpowder and C-4 waste were found at the scene, in addition to excessive messes of rubble and ruins of several famous office buildings. Inexplicably, the confounding metal carcasse of several howitzers were also found within the district.

Forensic scientists deployed to the region said “Contrary to popular belief, none of the dead were killed, or touched, by firearms or howitzer shells.” Instead, investigating detectives have labelled their cause of death as “Unarmed Physical Assault.”

There have also been reports that the CIA have been involved in this incident. Said NCS CMO Mr. Walters this morning: “The CIA, in collaboration with the NCS and domestic security forces, have sent several of its elite operatives to this operation.”

The involvement of these operatives in this case have been speculated to be an optimistic bid at halting what Californians have affectionately labelled as “The Northwestern Dust Devil”, an unknown individual thought to be responsible for the recent, unexplained cases of destruction on Californian roads. It is unknown whether this is true, but Jason Carnes has deemed it to be very likely.

“The Dust Devil has caused billions of dollars' worth of damage to the suburbs and road towns of California,” he added, when asked about the individual. “Reported sightings of this person have proven most unbelievable and unnerving.”

According to recent reports, the supposed Northwestern Dust Devil has caused the destruction of several road towns in California, including (insert town) and (insert town). Damages have been estimated at 1000 homes, 200 casualties and some 4000 homeless.

In an asserted unrelated incident on the same day, the chief scientist of Newfoundland Biotechnologies, Katherine Johnson has been spotted (for the first time in many years) on the beaches of California. She was reported missing…

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