BUFFIES: MALIBU’S NEW HEROES

By Cel Vada: Beat writer - The Malibu Sentinel

A most remarkable event occurred last night at the Starlight Restaurant and Hotel on the corner of Fifth and Vine. Sometime between 10:35 PM and 10:45 PM a fire spread from the kitchen up to the first floor of the building. Only a rapid response from the local fire department averted the building being completely consumed in flames.

None of this is exceptional part. What was remarkable happened after the fire was out. Fire Chief Sanders had this to say, “Once we evacuated everyone, my fire team declared the building a hazard—in danger of collapsing. That was when four of the largest, most massive, women you’ve ever seen went into the building against advice.” Multiple eye-witnesses confirm the presence of the unknown women and the event in question. The reports all support that most of the women were close to seven feet in height with one towering over the others at nearly eight feet tall. Eye-witness reports also confirm the overabundant musculature of each woman.

When questioned about why the women were allowed to cross the police line and enter the building, Lieutenant Smith of the Malibu Police Department had this to say, “Look pal, we know how to do our job. You didn’t’ see those women. I wasn’t stopping them. You wouldn’t stop them. I don’t think the army could stop them. Not to mention, it’s a good thing we let them in. Two people are alive today thanks to the prudent actions of myself and my men.”

All indications are that the four women entered the condemned Hotel, found two people alive, and exited moments before the building collapsed completely. Jason Devers—the young man rescued by the four women—had this to say, “Dude, it was righteous awesome. My lil honey and I were done for, and then like these four big buffies came in and like totally got us out of there.”

The fire is believed to have been started in the kitchen as a result of hot grease splashing and being ignited by an open flame. The nature of the grease fire is believed to be the cause of the rapid expansion of the flames through the hotel. This is confirmed by both kitchen staff and Fire Chief Sanders. Shortly after the fire was started kitchen staff pulled the fire alarm allowing for a mostly successful evacuation of the hotel staff and guests. It is still unclear why the two trapped individuals weren’t able to escape with the rest of the hotel population.

All accounts indicate that the four “Buffies” were wisked away in large limo minutes after the rescue. Nothing is known about whom they are or where they came from. All visual databases have thus far come up empty. As we speak, visual mapping software is busy comparing photos taken at the scene with the millions of women on record around the world. It could take weeks before the results come in, and those results could very well be negative. If you have any information contact the editor: newseeditor@malibusentinel.com or myself: celvada@malibusentinel.com.